Chapter Fifty-Three
On the first weekend in June, Gladys drove to French Island with Myrtle Joyce, Hazel, and Alice. The sun was brilliant that day; Lila hoped that it was a sign of good things to come. Gladys hugged them all and told Myrtle to be a good helper.
Emma was delighted to see the children again and made them a cake covered with shredded coconut for decoration. It looked like an enormous dandelion ready for the wind to carry the seeds away.
That summer, Herman began driving Johnny to Emma’s house so he could see his sisters. Gladys had given him Emma’s address. Lila had hoped that they would get a chance to talk, but he always visited the island while she was working. Was he avoiding her? As usual, Lila found it nearly impossible to know what he was thinking.
As her strength returned from having Bonnie, she found that the pills from Merlin were a little too strong. She had tried to quit taking them, but the sudden lack of energy scared her; she could barely get out of bed. With the pills, she could work and take care of the children, but she was plagued by insomnia, worse than anything she had experienced before. She knew that she needed to sleep. She just could not do it. When she told Merlin about it, he said, Yes, that can happen sometimes. You might need a drink to unwind before bed.
She purchased a bottle of whiskey and stashed it in the highest cupboard in the kitchen. She hated the thought that she might turn herself into a drunk like her mother but had no idea what else to try.
Merlin’s solution was effective but tricky. She needed to drink enough to fall asleep, but not so much that it would keep her from waking up when the girls needed her. She couldn’t take the first drink at work—she discovered that it gave her an intense desire for sex—but she didn’t want to drink in front of the children. She decided that she would wait until they were asleep. It took her weeks to find a routine that usually worked.
In the spring, Lila had to find a new place to live; the owner of the little house on French Island had recovered and was eager to move back in. It took Lila nearly a month to find a new apartment. Nobody wanted to rent to a single mother working in a bar, especially when they learned how many children she had. The apartment was in an old house that was falling apart, but the children loved it. It had two stories and long staircases on both sides. For hours they would race one another up the stairs and down the other side. One day Myrtle found a litter of stray kittens and begged to keep them. For a moment, Lila flashed back to being a child. She was not much younger than Myrtle when she begged her mother to let her keep Annabelle; now she was the mother. Lost in her thoughts, she told Myrtle that they could keep just one.
Much of that year and the next were a blur. She reconnected with Veda—not because she trusted her but to prove that Veda was wrong about her as a mother. Myrtle Joyce was thrilled to see her cousins again. Aunt Hattie died that year; Veda was horrified when Lila refused to go to the funeral. She couldn’t afford to miss work, but she enjoyed the look on Veda’s face when she told her she wasn’t going. She didn’t understand why Veda still admired her.
In truth, Lila’s life was just as much of a struggle as ever. There were months when she could barely afford the rent. At work, she snuck half-eaten meals out of the garbage so she could leave the food at home for the children. Emma gave the children baths and made sure they had clothes to wear. Later, she reflected on how much Emma had loved all of them; she regretted that she was never able to return her many favors. When Alice turned five, Myrtle Joyce was the one who made their lunches and walked Alice to school.
Some of the regulars at the bar could not keep their hands to themselves. Although Lila had recoiled the first time Hank (the owner) touched her when she was behind the bar, she had grown used to the constant brushing and groping. One night, one of the regulars motioned for her to lean over. She assumed he wanted to order another drink, but he whispered into her ear, Ten dollars.
Ten dollars for what? She was too busy at the time to think about it, so he was already gone by the time she understood. The next time he offered ten dollars
she agreed to meet him behind the building after her shift. Unlike Jack, he didn’t wear a rubber.
That time when she got pregnant, it ended with a long and painful night in the bathroom. She didn’t go to the doctor. In fact, she didn’t say anything to anyone about it. The miscarriage was both a relief and a dark shame. The voice in her head was brutal. Slut! Whore! Why did you allow this to happen?! Couldn’t you just keep your legs together? For weeks she worked in a fog of regret and self-loathing. The sex was not rape, but there was no love in the transaction. She had just needed the money to pay the rent.
Notes
The beginning of this chapter is based mostly on stories from my mother and aunts, especially the house with the long staircases on both sides. I begged her for a kitten when I was little. My children begged me for one. It feels like an experience that circles through the generations of my mother’s family.
This chapter reminds us just how fractured Lila’s relationships have become. Veda is the only member of the Slaback family that Lila is still communicating with (barely). She has been separated from her husband for several years with little hope of reconciliation. Her life as a waitress in a bar is so filled with sexual harassment that it barely registers. I don’t know if Lila was ever paid for sex, but it would have been easy for her to slip into casual prostitution.
For more information, see Kylie Agllias1, Barry M. Dank and Roberto Refinetti, eds.2, and Fern Schumer Chapman3.