Chapter Forty-Nine
By the time the snow melted, Lila was thinner than she had ever been as an adult. When Hank hired another waitress and decided that they should all wear uniforms (a short black dress with a zipper up the front), Lila was shocked to be a size eight. Her hair—which always fell out after giving birth—was thick and lush again. On a whim, she decided to dye it dark brown. One of the regulars at the bar wolf-whistled when he saw her. You look like a celebrity.
The real star was the other waitress, Betty. With a tiny waist and curves for days, she could double her tips by letting the zipper on her dress accidentally
slide down a few inches.
There was a new regular at the bar named Jack, who worked at the Trane factory. When he started flirting with Lila, she flirted back. He had a good sense of humor, brilliant blue eyes, and cowlicks that made his brown hair stand up in adorable, messy ways. He started showing up with little presents—a flower, a box of tea, a package of candy for the children. Lila enjoyed his attention; it was nice to be noticed in a positive way. He started spending longer hours at the bar; not just to eat dinner but to socialize with the regulars and to trade jokes with Lila. One night he asked what she was doing after work.
I need to pick up my children from the babysitter.
Oh,
he responded. I was hoping we could spend a little time together.
His look of disappointment made her reconsider. The children always go to sleep as soon as we get home. I guess you could walk with us and then stay for a little while.
She wasn’t sure what she wanted from Jack, but the thought of losing his friendship was unnerving; she enjoyed being with him.
The new apartment had come with a table and chairs. After Lila put the children to bed, they sat at the table sharing a bottle of beer. Jack leaned over and kissed her. It was dangerous to get involved with another man, but part of her longed for intimacy.
Noticing her hesitation, Jack said, Is something wrong?
Lila blushed and said, No, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.
He paused and said, Oh wait…I have a rubber.
He pulled a small package out of his pocket and opened it. Lila had never seen one before. She felt awkward watching him put it on, but then they made love silently right there in the kitchen. The ecstasy made her feel better than she had in months. When she showed Jack to the door, he smiled and said, See you soon, beautiful.
That night she went to sleep easily with a feeling of calm satisfaction.
Jack never discussed what he wanted from the relationship, but that summer he was at the bar nearly every night. Every month that went by with no signs of pregnancy, she relaxed a little more. He was a surprisingly good lover, showing her positions that she had never imagined. It was the best sex she had ever had. Lila wondered why Jack was not married and why he was so knowledgeable about sex, but she didn’t dare to ask.
Eventually, the system failed. Lila kicked herself for giving in. Being pregnant again was the very last thing she wanted. She allowed herself to hope that Jack might want to be more than just a lover, but when she told him the first thing out of his mouth was, Are you sure?
It was infuriating. Of course she was sure. She had two children that he knew about and two more that he didn’t; she knew the signs. Then he said, You should go to the doctor and get that taken care of.
He reached into his wallet and pulled out fifty dollars, which he pressed into her hand. I’m not interested in being a father.
After that, he disappeared from the bar. Lila asked some of the other regulars about him, but they had nothing to say. It was like Jack had never existed.
The thought of going to the doctor filled her with dread, but she made an appointment at St. Francis to see what her options might be. It was the first time she thought about adoption; she just wasn’t sure she could really go through with it. One night as they were walking back to the apartment, Myrtle Joyce looked up and said, I hope the new baby is a girl.
Lila was exhausted, but the words slapped her awake. She had not said anything about being pregnant. How did she know? As they continued walking, Lila reflected on how helpful her oldest daughter had been with Hazel. Maybe the two of them together could make it work. Lila took the fifty dollars out of her purse and tucked it into an empty jelly jar.
Since she had left Herman, the only member of his family that she had spoken with was Helen. She missed the Schneiders—especially Gladys and Myrtle—but she worried what they thought about her. Did they blame her for leaving? Did they think she was a terrible mother? When she decided to keep the baby, she knew she would need help; clearly, she couldn’t trust her children with Veda. During a slow night at the bar, she picked up the phone directory and discovered that Myrtle and Carl had moved. Carl was still working in La Crosse, but they had always wanted to raise their children in West Salem with their cousins.
Lila was desperate for news about Johnny and Alice but resisted reaching out to the Schneiders. That night, she decided that it was time to push through her fears and pay a visit to West Salem. She purchased new outfits for the children and set Myrtle Joyce’s hair into rag curls using strips of fabric from an old bedsheet; if they were going to make a good impression, they couldn’t show up looking like street urchins.
Lila had written down the addresses for Carl Schliebe and Carl Schneider (reflecting how funny it was that Gladys and Myrtle had both married a Carl
) but when the train arrived in West Salem, she realized that she wasn’t sure how to get to their houses. Thankfully, she remembered Nora’s house. Nora and her family had just returned from church when Lila rang the doorbell. As Nora opened the door she said, Oh, my goodness, Lila…is that you?
She gave Lila a hug and said, Please come in and join us for lunch. There’s plenty.
If she was angry at Lila, it didn’t show. Her husband, Fay, was also welcoming. It’s good to see you again, Lila.
Their older son, David, had grown nearly as tall as Nora. Their younger son, Ron, was the same age as Alice. With a lump in her throat, Lila wondered how much her own children had grown. They had been apart for nearly a year. During lunch, Nora said, We need to let Gladys and Myrtle know that you’re in town. I’m sure they would love to see you.
After lunch they walked to Myrtle and Carl’s house, which was just a few blocks away. Myrtle answered the door with a dark-haired little boy clinging to her leg. After hugging Lila, she said breathlessly, Is that my namesake, Myrtle Joyce? You’re such a big girl now!
She pinched Myrtle Joyce on the cheek and said, Why don’t you go play with your cousins, Laurie and Pam?
As they stepped inside, she gently touched Hazel’s nose with her finger. And who is this little cutie?
Lila wasn’t sure how to respond. Was it an innocent question or was Myrtle judging her for having another baby? Her name is Hazel, after my mother.
That’s lovely,
Myrtle replied. I guess I never knew what your mother’s name was.
Lila tried to relax. When she was pregnant the first time, the Schneiders had been her saving grace. As they ate dinner (sausages and sauerkraut, which she had never enjoyed), they talked about Camp McCoy. For a few years, it had been used for German prisoners of war, but now the prisoners were gone and a new war had just started; the base was filling up again with soldiers and their families. After the meal, when Hazel was napping and Lila was helping with the dishes, Myrtle said, Herman wants you to come back. Johnny and Alice need you. I don’t know why you went to La Crosse when you have a home right here. You should be here with Herman and your children.
She meant well. But the thought of going back to the farm—to chores and no hot water and no jokes and no flirting—made Lila feel exhausted deep in her bones. Herman had not tried to find her in La Crosse. Maybe he also recognized that they were never a good match. It just wasn’t enough.
Lila told Myrtle, I need to get back to the train station. The last train is at 7:45.
She didn’t tell her that she was pregnant again.
Myrtle made her promise that she would return to West Salem in two weeks. I’ll ask Herman to let us have Johnny and Alice for the weekend. They will be so happy to see you and Myrtle Joyce!
Notes
In this chapter, Lila reaches a tipping point: pregnant again, she realizes that she cannot manage another child without help and returns to the Schneiders. My experience with the Schneiders as a child was mostly with Myrtle and John Schneider and their extended family (grown children and grandchildren). I found Myrtle to be very judgmental, but as I poured through names and dates and family photographs (Nora worked in a photography studio), I formed an impression that the Schneider family as a whole was much more caring and down-to-earth.
During the process of writing the main manuscript, I reached out to Linda Wood (daughter of Gladys Schneider, Herman’s younger sister) to see if she had any memories of Lila. She did not, but she gave me some useful background information about her parents, other Schneider family members, West Salem, and Camp McCoy. We’ve kept in touch. She confirmed my impression that Gladys was an outgoing and kind person and a good mother.
For more information, see Aine Collier1, Linda M. Fournier2, and Leslie J. Reagan3.