Chapter Thirty
Within two weeks, Lila knew something was different. Her first clue was that her clothes suddenly felt like sandpaper on her skin. One evening during her shift at the bar, she felt sick to her stomach and had to excuse herself for some fresh air. Maybe it was food poisoning. On the way to work, she had been so hungry that she stopped at White Castle to purchase a hamburger. She kicked herself for stopping there when she could have eaten as much food as she wanted at Carroll’s. What was she thinking? A few weeks later, she realized that her time of the month had not happened yet. She tried not to think about it. Lila was hungry all the time, especially for beef, baked potatoes, and ice cream. Her uniform was getting tight, and she thought (regretfully) that she would have to stop eating so much. For a little while, she was successful at eating less, but around Christmas, she realized that it was no use; she would have to buy a larger uniform after the holidays. If Veda noticed, she didn’t say anything.
One night at the end of January, Lila fainted at work. She had been feeling a little sick but didn’t want to admit it. Carroll’s was always busy. If she took time off, she would have to find someone to cover her shift; the manager wouldn’t like it. He was even less thrilled when Lila fainted, but he drove her to the hospital. She woke up hours later in a bed at St. Francis. A nurse had been sitting in the room; as soon as Lila opened her eyes, she left to fetch the doctor. Dr. Olson was a tall man with dark hair, horn-rimmed glasses, and a severe expression. His stout belly stuck out from his white jacket, which was open in the front. He sat down next to the bed and said, Do you know why you’re here, Miss Slaback?
Lila had never been in the hospital before. She felt very tired and silently shook her head.
The doctor looked down at his clipboard and said, Miss Slaback, are you engaged or married?
This again. Why did everyone care so much?
When she didn’t answer, he said, Do you have a family member that we can call? Someone will need to pick you up later today.
Her head was swimming. It was like being in a dream; she could hear the doctor speaking, but nothing was making sense. She managed to give him Veda’s name and address before she fell asleep again.
When she woke up the next time, Veda was sitting next to her. She looked so worried that Lila immediately felt terrible. Veda said, Lila…the doctor says you’re pregnant.
Her words were like a lasso that jerked her consciousness back to the surface.
I don’t understand. What are you doing here?
She sensed that Veda was angry.
I’m here because someone came to our house and informed me that you were taken to the hospital.
Lila responded, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble. I don’t understand what’s going on.
Lila ran her fingers over the white sheets of the hospital bed. The sheets were cool and stiff.
Veda’s eyes narrowed. The reason you’re at the hospital, Lila, is because you’re pregnant. You’re anemic from a lack of iron and that’s the reason why you fainted.
Oh,
said Lila.
They sat together in silence until the nurse returned to give Lila an injection.
Veda had left her son with a neighbor before rushing to the hospital. Red picked them up as soon as he was done with work. He gave Veda a kiss on the cheek, and she pulled him off to the side for a hushed conversation. When Lila had checked out from the hospital, the nurse gave her instructions to eat liver at least twice per week and to get some rest. Lila hated liver; it tasted like meat, but the texture was like peanut butter. It made her gag to think about eating it. She was thinking about it when Red and Veda returned to the truck. Red opened the door for Lila without saying a word. The ride back to Kane Street was completely silent.
For the next two days, Lila slept. She had rambling dreams about car accidents and about being chased. Her legs were so heavy that she couldn’t run away from whatever was chasing her, but she was never able to see what the thing
was. In one dream it was chasing her along a cliff, and she fell off the edge. It jolted her awake with her heart racing. Someone had placed a chair next to the bed. It was holding a glass of water and a sandwich on a plate. She reached out and touched the top of the bread, but it was stale. Too tired to complain or to make something fresh, she forced down the sandwich, which turned out to be peanut butter. The water wasn’t enough to wash away the dryness. She fell asleep thinking how thirsty she was.
On the third morning, Lila was violently awakened by a splash of ice-cold water. Her mother was standing near the window holding a bucket. You good-for-nothing whore,
she snapped. I thought I raised you better than this.
Lila was shocked. It felt like her heart had stopped beating for a few seconds. Well, what do you have to say for yourself? I’m waiting here until you answer.
Was there anything she could say to make this go away? I’m sorry,
Lila stammered. I don’t know what you want me to say.
Hazel was so enraged that her face was nearly purple. She threw the bucket against the wall, and it fell to the floor. Clang-clang. She stomped to the door and slammed it behind her. Lila decided to dry herself off and to get dressed. She needed to use the bathroom and was feeling very hungry and thirsty. As soon as she left the bedroom, she noticed that Veda and Red, her parents, and Aunt Hattie were all sitting around the dining room table—like cats getting ready to pounce on a bird.
With an innocent tone, Lila said, I need to use the bathroom; be right back.
Aunt Hattie hissed, Be quick about it, we’re all waiting for you.
Lila looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyelids were puffy, and her hair was a mess. The back of her nightgown was soaked. Her thoughts flashed back to the hospital and Veda saying, You’re pregnant, Lila.
She closed her eyes and wished that she could be magically transported somewhere else—like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. She stood at the sink and clicked her heels together, but when she opened her eyes, everything was exactly the same.
After changing her clothes and combing her hair as slowly as possible, Lila went to the table and sat down. The table was covered with crumbs and plates and half-empty cups of coffee. She reached out for a piece of bread, and Aunt Hattie cleared her throat. Lila…you should be ashamed of yourself. Your actions have brought disgrace to this entire family.
Lila pulled her hand back and looked down at the table. Hattie continued. Who is the father of this child? I assume it’s Earl Bright?
Veda said, Earl married someone else. He wrote a letter to Lila and told her.
Hazel snorted. I knew it.
(Later, Lila wondered why Veda had not told anyone.)
Well,
Aunt Hattie demanded, Who is the father then?
Lila was silent. She thought about that night by the river with Daniel and wondered if he was still alive. They had not written letters to one another; he had no idea that she was pregnant.
Everyone was staring at her. She resolved that she would not give them the satisfaction of watching her cry. After what felt like an hour, Aunt Hattie said, You have two choices: you can either get married, or you can give the baby up for adoption.
Lila looked around the table. Veda was as white as a ghost and looked like she wanted to sink under the table. Hazel’s face was beet red and there were veins standing out on her neck that Lila had never noticed before. Her father and Red were staring into their cups of coffee. Aunt Hattie’s lips were tightly pinched, and she was waiting for an answer—she was staring right at Lila without blinking. Her mother spoke up and said, She should go to that home for unwed mothers…the one that Jean’s parents sent her to.
Aunt Hattie said sharply, That is certainly one option, unless the father in planning to step forward and make Lila an honest woman.
An honest woman? It was terrifying to feel so angry and ashamed, worse than anything Lila had experienced before. When she finally managed to speak, her response surprised her: I guess I’ll be getting married then, because I am not a child, and I am not giving this baby away.
She was not sure if that was true, but the words just poured out of her.
Hazel stood up and said, I want to leave now. I’m going to Cecil’s house.
Veda started to cry.
Notes
This chapter is largely drawn from my own experiences as a newly pregnant mother (although I was married at the time, and it was an intentional choice, not a scandal.)
Shaming is a destructive form of emotional abuse that often occurs within families. As a not-very-happy child, I often imagined that I was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. If I clicked my heels together and concentrated hard enough, maybe I would open my eyes and discover that I was somewhere else. The imagery of the hospital and nursing staff is based on my research on the history of work uniforms (including medical uniforms).
For more information, see David G. Hogan1, Carin Modh, Ingela Lundgren, and Ingegerd Bergbom2, and June Price Tangney and Ronda L. Dearing3.